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Simple 
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<^     OR 

How    to    Know 

THE  EARTH 

..and   Why   it    Spins.. 

By  Peter  Simple,  F.T.G. 

(Fellow  of  the  Terrestrial  Globe) 
EDITED   BY 

OLIVER    HERFORD 

With  Pictures  of  Peter  Simple,  Theodore  Roose 
velt,  The  Earth  and  others 

And  Some  Imitations  of  Pictures  by 

CECILIA    LOFTUS 


BOSTON  and  LONDON 

John  W.  Luce  and 

Company 


\ 


ill! 


SCENE 


WINTER  SCENE 


Copyright,  1908,  by 
JOHN  W.  LUCE  £f  COMPANY 
Boston,  Mass.,  U.S.A. 


Copyright,  1908,  by 
OLIVER     HERFORD 


The  Plimpton  Press  Norwood  Mass.  U.S.A. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


The  world  is  so  full  of  a  number  of  things 
I'm  sure  we  should  all  be  as  happy  as  Kings. 

Robert  Louis  Stevenson. 


To   Peggy 


112 


A  BUSY  DAY  IN  NEW  YORK 


An  imitation  of  a  picture 

By  CECILIA    LOFTUS. 


THE    BEGINNING 

IT  is  a  Long  Jump  from  Moses,  the*  .author  of  the 
First  work  on  Geography,  to  Peter  Simple,  — 

When  the  acrobatic  reader  has  fetched  -  3iis  breath  'and 
looks  back  at  the  fearsome  list  of  Geographers  he 
has  skipped  —  Anaximander,  Hecatoeus,  Demoeritus, 
Eudoxus,  Ephorus,  Dicoearchus,  Erastothenes,  Polybius, 
Posidonius,  James  Montieth  and  Charles  F.  King,  he 
may  well  be  thankful  to  find  he  has  fallen  upon  his  feet. 

Peter  Simple  is  in  our  midst.  His  noble  features 
illumine  the  front  of  this  book  — ;  he  marks  an  Epoch, 
and  yet,  dear  Reader,  we  must  not  imagine  that  the 
Science  of  Geography  stops  short  with  Peter  Simple. 
Other  geographers  will  come  and  go;  their  task  is  endless. 


* 

x  THEBEG  INNING 

The  Planet  they  endeavor  to  portray  is  perpetually 
changing  its  appearance.  After  thousands  and  thousands 
of  years,  it  is  no  nearer  completion  than  it  was  in  the 
beginning. 

The  Sea  with  its  white  teeth,  bites  the  edges  of  the 
Continents  into  New  Shapes,  as  a  child  bites  a  cookie. 
The  Glaciers  ^file  away  the  mountains  into  valleys  and 
plains..  Beneath"  the  ocean  busy  insects  are  building  the 
foundations  of  new  continents,  and  under  the  earth  Fiery 
Demons  are  ready  at  all  times  to  burst  forth  and  help 
things  along. 

It  really  begins  to  look  as  if  this  Planet  never  would 
be  finished. 

In  the  first  chapter  of  his  Geography,  Moses  tells  us 
there  were  only  TWO  PEOPLE  in  the  world.  Today 
we  are  preparing  to  put  up  the  STANDING  ROOM 
ONLY  notice.  In  another  thousand  years,  for  aught 
we  know,  the  earth  may  be  going  round  dark  and 
tenantless  and  bearing  the  sign  "  TO  LET." 


THE     BEGINNING 


XI 


What  does  it  matter  to  us  ?  What  are  we  but  micro 
scopic  weevils  in  the  mouldy  crust  of  Earth.  Sufficient 
unto  the  day  is  the  weevil  thereof. 

In  the  meantime  the  Simple  Geography  is  before  you. 
In  a  thousand  years  it,  too,  may  be  out  of  date.  Take 
it,  before  it  is  too  late,  not  because  it  is  improving,  but 
as  you  take  a  Breakfast  Food,  because  it  is  harmless  and 
simple  and  full  of  chaff,  and  ready  to  serve  and  when 
taken  with  cream,  sugar,  coffee,  eggs,  fruit  and  beefsteak, 
makes  an  excellent  repast: 

With  these  few  words,  I  now 


MAP  OF  CUBA,  SHOWING  SAN  JUAN  HILL,  AND  WHERE  GEN.  TAFT  LANDED 


Part    I 


» 


THE    EARTH 


A   BUSY   DAY  IN   PARIS 


A  n  imitation  of  a  picture 

By  CECILIA    LOFTUS. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter    I 
THE    EARTH 

Scientists,  who  delight  in 
applying  harsh  terms  to 
things  that  cannot  talk 
back,  have  called  the  Earth 
an  Oblate  Spheroid. 


A  SCIENTIST 

Simple    people    like    our 


selves  call  it  a  Ball  or  com 
pare  it  to  an  Orange. 

We  often  hear  people 
remark,  "How  small  the 
World  is!"  Such  people 
have  never  been  round  the 
Earth  and  form  their  idea 
from  the  miniature  Globes 
used  in  schools. 

The  Earth  is  really  quite 
large. 

Her  waist  measurement 
is  no  less  than  25,000  miles. 
In  the  hope  of  reducing  it 
the  Earth  takes  the  most 
violent  and  unceasing  exer 
cise.  But  though  she  spins 
round  herself  once  a  day 
and  round  the  sun  once  a 
year  she  has  not  so  far  suc 
ceeded  in  taking  off  a  single 


i6 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


mile    or    even    in    keeping 
comfortably  warm  all  over. 

QUESTIONS  FOB  THE  CHILD 

Tf  Explain  the  Nebular  Hypoth 
esis. 

If  State  briefly  the  electro  mag- 
netical  constituents  of  the 
Aurora  Borealis,and  explain 
their  relation  to  the  Hertzian 
waves. 

Tf  Define  the  difference  between 
the  Hertzian  wave  and  the 
Marcel  wave. 


Chapter   II 
THE  EARTH'S  USE 

What  is  the  Earth  for  ? 

Nobody  knows. 

Some  say  the  Earth  was 
made  to  supply  the  wants 
of  Man  —  this  may  be  true, 
but  as  man  is  part  and 
parcel  of  the  Earth  itself, 
it  does  not  answer  the 
question. 

Other  more  Practical 
people  say  "  We  don't  care 
what  the  Earth  was  made 
for,  it's  a  GOOD  THING," 
and  proceed  to  grab  as 
much  as  they  can  for  their 
private  enjoyment. 

As  long  as  the  Ultimate 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Purpose  of  the  Earth  is 
Kept  Dark,  the  wisdom  or 
unwisdom  of  these  Prac 
tical  People  must  remain 
in  doubt. 

QUESTIONS  FOB  THE  CHILD 


What    is    the    value     of    the 

Earth  ? 
State    the    comparative    values 

of  Earth  in  New  York  and 

Texas  in  1878. 

What  is  unearned  increment  ? 
Give  an  Example. 


Chapter  III 
THE  EARTH'S  CRUST 


Other  Geographers  speak 
of  the  "  earth's  crust "  as 
if  there  were  only  one  — 
in  reality,  there  are,  as  in 
a  pie,  two  crusts,  —  the 
Upper  Crust  and  the  Under 
Crust. 

The  upper  crust  is  pleas 
antly  situated  on  the  top, 
and  is  light  and  agreeable 
and  much  sought  after. 

The  under  crust  is  Dull 
and  Heavy  and  disagree 
able.  The  only  apparent 
reason  for  its  existence  is 
to  support  the  Upper 
Crust. 


i8 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


When,  as  sometimes  hap 
pens,    the     Social    Pie     is 

turned  upside  down,  the 
under  crust  then  becomes 
the  upper  crust. 


A  SOCIAL  LEADER  AT  NEWPORT 

This  is,  however,  a  rare 
and  somewhat  dangerous 
experiment. 


The  Social  Pie  has  never 
been  described  more  beau 
tifully  than  in  the  following 
matchless  lines  by  that 
most  prolific  of  all  poets 
ANON. 

The  upper  Crust  is  light  as  snow 
And  Gay  with  Sugar  Rime 

The  under  crust  must  stay  Below 
It  has  a  Horrid  time. 


NOTE. —  During  this  lesson  the 
teacher  should  distribute  pies  among 
the  children  to  illustrate  the  respec 
tive  positions  of  the  two  crusts. 


» 


JOG  RAPH  Y 


Chapter  IF 
IMAGINARY  LINES 

The  Axis  of  the   Earth 

is  an  imaginary  Bi^  Stick 
round  which  it  revolves. 

This  little  work,  how 
ever,  treats  only  of  realities 
-  and,  since  we  have  no 
space  to  spare  for  imagi 
nary  things  —  we  can  not 
discuss  the  axis. 

The  Equator  is  also  an 
imaginary  line.  We,  there 
fore,  dismiss  the  Equator 
with  the  Axis. 


20 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


DISMISSING  THE  EQUATOR 


QUESTIONS  FOR  THE  CHILD 


State  the  percentage  of  gain 
in  power  by  the  elimination 
of  friction  in  the  use  of  an 
imaginary  axis  in  the  place 
of  a  big  stick. 

What  is  the  principle  of  the 
Gyroscope  and  what  is  its 
application  in  the  Rotary 
motion  of  the  Earth  ? 

What  is  the  mean  width  of  an 
imaginary  line  ? 


Map  of 
THE     BLACK     SEA 


THE     SIMPLE     TOGRAPH Y 


21 


Chapter    V 
THE  EARTH'S  AGE 

Some  people  are  sensi 
tive  about  their  ages. 

The  Earth  has  never 
told  us  hers. 

Rude  scientists,  after  care 
ful  examination,  declare  she 
can't  be  a  day  under  five 
million  years  old. 

Theologians,  ever  tactful 
in  feminine  matters,  set 


her  down  as  a  Shrinking 
Young  Thing  of  barely  four 
thousand  summers. 

Perhaps  this  may  explain 
why  Bishops  are  usually 
fat  and  Biologists  lean. 

QUESTIONS  FOB  THE  CHILD 


If    State    the    exact    age    of    the 

Earth  ? 
If    How  long  will  the   Earth  last 


at  the  rate  it  i 


is  going 


If   What  is  the  difference  between 
a   Bishop  and  a    Biologist  ? 


THE  NEW  WORLD 


THE  OLD  WORLD 


22 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter    VI 
THE  EARTH'S  FACE 

There  are  no  good  photo 


graphs  of  the  Earth. 

Earth  refuses  to  sit. 


The 


Imagine  trying  to  photo 
graph  a  flighty  old  Sphe 
roid  who  spends  her  time 
pirouetting  around  in  a 
circle  with  all  her  might 
and  main. 


This  sketch  was  made  by  our  artist  from  a  Hot  Air  Ballo 
wasn't  looking. 


hen  the  Earth 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Perhaps  it  is  to  avoid 
the  Photographer  that  the 
Earth  spins,  and  not  merely 
to  reduce  her  girth,  as  we 
hinted  elsewhere. 

In  these  days  such  a 
strenuous  evasion  of  pub 
licity  is  suspicious. 

Supposing  some  day  in  a 
very  crowded  street,  you 
should  see  an  Old  Party 
twirling  round  in  a  circle 
with  all  his  might  and  main. 

Would  you  not  shake 
your  head  ? 

Suppose  said  Old  Party 
refused  to  say  where  he 
came  from  or  where  he 
was  going. 

Would  you  not  pause  to 
think  ? 


If,  on  inquiry,  you  found 
the  O.  P.  had  been  going 
round  for  years  under  vari 
ous  male  and  female  aliases, 
such  as, — Cosmos,  Mother 
Earth,  The  World,  Terra 
Firma,  Mrs.  Grundy,  The 
Footstool,  The  Globe. 

Would  you  not,  even  if 
you  were  a  Detective,  be 
gin  to  be  suspicious  ? 

What  then  would  you 
think,  if,  on  looking  over 
the  Old  Party's  Record, 
you  found  the  following 
Press  Notices:  — 

"The     Earth's    a    thief." - 
Timon  of  Athens. 

"  Earth  's  bitter."  —  Words- 
worth. 

"This  distracted  Globe."  — 
Hamlet. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


"This  tough  World."—  King 
Lear. 

"  Naughty  World  !  "  —  Mer 
chant  of  Venice. 

"  This  World  is  given  to  ly 
ing."—  Henry  IV. 

"  The  World  is  too  much  with 
us." —  Wordsworth. 

"  The  World  is  grown  so  bad." 

—  Richard  III. 

"The  narrow  World." — "Julius 
Ccesar. 

"The  World  is  not  thy 
friend." — Romeo  and  Juliet. 

"The  World's  a  Bubble."  - 
Bacon. 

"  This  World  is  all  a  fleeting 
show."  — Moore. 

"  The  World  was  not  worthy." 

—  St.  Paul. 

"The  World's  a  tragedy."  - 
Horace  Walpole. 

"  This  Bleak  World."  - 
Moore. 

"  The  weary  weight  of  all  this 


unintelligible  World."  —  Words- 
worth." 

"  A  world  of  vile  ill-fav- 
our'd  faults."  —  Merry  Wives  of 
Windsor. 

"Stale,  flat  and  unprofitable 
seem  to  me  all  the  uses  of  this 
world.  —  Hamlet." 

"This  Dim  Spot  that  Men 
call  Earth."  —  Milton. 

"The  wicked  world."—  W.S. 
Gilbert. 

Would  you  not  deem  it 
time  to  call  a  Policeman, 
or,  if  in  New  York,  to  write 
to  General  Bingham  and 

ask  him  kindly  to  send  one 
at  his  earliest  convenience. 
We  are  inclined  to  believe 
that  the  Earth  has  read  the 
above  clippings,  and  realiz 
ing  that  she  is  Discovered, 
spins  round  with  all  her 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


might  and  main  to  avoid 
being  photographed  for  the 
Rogues  Gallery  of  the 
Universe. 

Appearances      are      cer 
tainly  against  her. 


QUESTIONS  FOB  THE   CHILD 


What  do  you  think  of  the 
world  at  large  ? 

Why  is  the  world  at  large  ? 

What  is  the  "author's  clip 
ping"  bureau  ? 

Why  do  so  few  authors  look 
as  if  they  had  been  clipped  ? 


In  this  wonderful 
Photograph  a  Type 
writer  is  seen  crawl 
ing  'round  the  Earth. 
As  shown  by  Diagram 
the  Upper  Part  of  the 
Typewriter  becomes 
visible  First. 

This  proves  the 
Rotundity  of  the 
Earth. 


26 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter    VII 

CLIMATE    AND 
WEATHER 


Climate  is  a  Theory. 
Weather  is  a  Condition. 

Or  to  make  it  more  clear 
to  the  child  Climate  is  a 
Hypothesis-Weather,  a 
Reductio  ad  absurdum. 

What  is  the  Weather  For? 

Everything  in  Nature  is 
designed  to  contribute  to 
the  Needs  or  Pleasures  of 
Man. 


From  the  tree  of  the  for 


est  we  get  the  wood  from 
which  nutmegs  are  made, 
the  Wood  Alcohol  for  our 
Scotch  Highballs  and  the 


A  SCOTCH  HIGHBALL 

Paper  for  our  Yellow  Jour 
nals  which,  in  turn,  are 
transmuted  to  Leather  for 
the  soles  of  our  Soldiers' 
Boots. 

From  the  sands  of  the 
Sea  we  make  Sugar  to 
sweeten  our  coffee  —  that 
mysterious  beverage,  the 
secret  of  whose  manufacture 
has  never  been  revealed. 

From  the  Cotton  Plant 
come  the  Woolen  Under- 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


garments  and  the  Soldiers' 
Blanket. 


A  COTTON  PLANT 

From  the  Simple  Turnip 

is  distilled  the  Golden 
Champagne  without  which 
so  many  lives  would  be 
empty. 


A  STRAW 

Even  the  Humble  Straw 

has    its    use  —  to    indicate 
the  trend  of  the  air  current 
-and   for   the   stuffing   of 
the  Life  Preserver. 


What  Then  is  the  use  of 
the  Weather. 

Supposing  you  had  made 
a  World  and  put  some 
People  upon  it  to  live .  What 
would  you  do  then  to  set 
things  going  ? 

You  would  give  the 
People  something  to  talk 
about. 

Just  so  --  The  Weather 
was  designed  to  furnish  a 
universal  topic  of  conver 
sation  for  Man. 

Without  the  Weather 
nine  hundred  and  ninety- 
nine  thousand  nine  hundred 
and  ninety-nine  People  out 
of  a  million  would  have 
nothing  to  talk  about. 

In   the    first    Geography 


28 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Book  we  learn  from  Moses 
how  the  weather  was  made, 
that  the  evenings  were  cool, 
and  what  is  more  wonder 
ful,  that   the    Fruit  Season 
was  good. 
Since    then    nothing    has 
been  so  much  talked  about 
as   the    Weather.     And    in 
nothing  has  so  little  advance 
been  made. 

TH  E   AT 

Map  of 
LAN  T  1  C 

OCEAN 

QUESTIONS  FOR  THE   CHILD 

What  has  the  Weather  done 
to  get  itself  talked  about  ? 

Is  it  notoriety  that  makes  the 
Weather  Vane  ? 

Why  is  it  that  in  London 
where  the  sky  is  in  con 
stant  need  of  scraping  there 
are  no  scy-scrapers  ? 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


29 


Chapter    VIII 
LAND  AND  WATER 

See  the  Elephant. 

He  is  washing  the  Globe. 


The  clean  part  is  called 
the  Water  and  is  inhabited 
by  Oysters,  Clams,  Lob 
sters  and  Turtles — besides 


delightful  Schools  of  Fish 
es  and  Whales. 


THE  COLLEGE  YELL  OF  A  SCHOOL 
OF  WHALES 

The  large  spots  of  Dirt 
which  the  Elephant  cannot 
remove  (even  with  the  best 
advertised  soap)  are  called 
land  and  are  alive  with 
Human  Beings  and  other 
Animals  made  especially 
for  man's  food  or  amuse 
ment. 

Beside  the  animals,  are 
many  other  things  such  as 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


c » 


A  RIVER  BED 


Mountains,  Tablelands, 
Rivers,  Forests  and 
Lakes. 

The  Principal  Moun 
tains  are  included  in  the 
Presidential  Range  which 
is  surrounded  by  Forests 
of  tall  timber  used  chiefly 
in  Platform  and  Cabinet- 
making. 


Rivers  are  the  most  curi 
ous  and  interesting  form  of 
water.  Tho'  seldom  dry 
they  are  as  lengthy  and  in 
volved  as  Henry  James' 
sentences  and  have  to  be 
curled  into  the  most  im 
possible  shapes  to  get  them 
into  the  countries  where 
they  belong. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


The  first  thing  a  River 
does  after  rising  is  to  go  as 
fast  as  it  can  to  the  nearest 
River  Bed  in  which  it  re 
mains  for  the  rest  of  its  exist 
ence. 

The  most  famous  River 
in  the  world  is  the  Blue 
Danube,  called  after  a 
popular  waltz  of  that 
name. 


QUESTIONS  FOR  THE   CHILD 


If   Why  does  a  River  go  to   sea  ? 

and  What  ? 

If    How  many  rivers  can  get  into 

One  River  Bed  ? 
^f   Why   do   Mountains  in    Maps 

look  like  caterpillars  ? 
If    State  the  difference  between  a 

Mountain  and  a  Caterpillar. 
^f   What  is  the  name  of  the  driest 

state  in  the  U.  S.  ? 
If   W7hy  is  the  Ocean    called    the 

Main  ? 


A  TABLE   LAND 


32 


THE     SIMPLE     J  O  G  R  A  P  H  Y 


THE   "  BAD  LANDS  " 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


33 


Chapter    IX 
THE  DISCOVERY  OF  THE  WORLD 


THE   FALL  OF  THE   YEAR  5908 

(From  an  Early  Print) 


In  the  First  Geography  Moses  tells  of  a  young 
married  couple  who  stumbled  upon  the  Earth  through 
an  unfortunate  mistake  in  the  Fall  of  the  year  59O8 
Before  Roosevelt. 


34 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


About  seventeen  centuries  after  this,  the  World  was 
Lost  sight  of  in  a  Delude. 

It  was  Re-Discovered  by  a  navigator  named  Noah, 
who  though  barely  six  hundred  years  old  was  comman 
der  of  a  sea-going  menagerie. 

Noah,  after  cruising  about  for  twelve  months  and  ten 
days,  landed  from  his  zoological  water  wagon  upon  a 
precipitous  Asiatic  Ja^  named  Ararat  on  the  twenty- 
seventh  of  February  of  the  year  4254  Before  Roosevelt. 


NOAH 


» 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


35 


Chapter    X 

THE    HABITABLE 
GLOBE 

The  term  "Habitable 

Globe "  was  doubtless  in 
vented  by  some  Celestial 
Humorist  who  had  never 
visited  this  Planet. 

People  live  on  it  to  be 
sure,  but  they  have  no 
choice,  there  is  nowhere 
else  to  live. 

Let  us  consider  the  world 
as  an  Apartment  House. 

We  are  told  it  was  fin 
ished  in  six  days.  No  won 
der  it  is  faultily  constructed. 

The  Heating  Apparatus 
is  out  of  date. 


The  apartments  nearest 
to  the  Radiator  are  insuffer 
ably  hot,  those  farthest 
away  unbearably  cold  and 


those  between,  too  change 
able  for  comfort. 

The     Water    Supply    is 

unreliable. 

In  some  apartments  great 


9  mm® 


36 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


numbers  perish  every  year 
from  thirst. 

In  the  cellar  there  is  a 
fire-work  factory,  where  in 
defiance  of  regulation  are 
stored  high  explosives. 

These  blow  up  from  time 
to  time  causing  great  dam 
age  and  loss  of  life. 

The  Janitor  is  a  dis 
obliging  old  person  called 
Tempus,  who  regulates  ev 
erything  by  his  Hour  Glass. 

He  has  been  there  since 
the  House  was  started  and 
holds  his  job  in  spite  of 
incessant  complaints. 

When  asked  to  hurry  he 
fairly  crawls  and  when 
people  want  him  most  to 
stay  nothing  can  stop  him. 


• 

THE       A 
O  R    TH 

Map  of 
RCT  1  C 
E     WHIT 

OCEAN 
E     SEA 

THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter  XI 

Populat  io  n 
Possibilities      p™-  - 


(IN  THE  YEAR  4004  B.C.) 

The  first  Tenants  are 
said  to  have  been  a  Youn£ 
Married  Couple  who  had 

been    obliged    to    leave    a 
more    luxurious    apartment 


(IN  THE  VERY  NEAR  FUTURE) 

because  children  were  not 
allowed,  though  animals  of 
all  kinds  —  even  snakes 
were  tolerated. 

On  the  whole,  the  Globe 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


is  anything  but  a  model 
apartment  house.  Each 
family  considers  itself  the 
only  Moral  Family  in  the 
building  and  talks  scandal 
of  the  others,  and  they  are 
constantly  fighting  for  the 
possession  of  the  most  desir 
able  rooms. 

QUESTIONS  FOR  THE  CHILD 


Who  were  the  First  Tenants  ? 

Which  is  the  most  fashionable 
floor  of  the  Earth  Apart 
ment  House  ? 

Which  is  the  fastest  Race  ? 

Which  is  the  slowest  ? 

What  relation  does  the  Tem 
perate  Zone  bear  to  the 
Milky  Way  ? 

State  the  comparative  value  of 
human  life  at  Retail  and 
Wholesale. 


THE  ORIGINAL  "FIRST  FAMILY" 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


39 


Chapter  XII 
RACE 

To  continue  the  Apart 
ment  House  Theory. 

The  Globe  is  divided 
according  to  the  Heat 
Supply  into  five  stories  or 
Zones.  The  Torrid  Zone, 
the  Two  Temperate  Zones, 
and  the  Two  Arctic 
Zones. 

The  Equator,  which  is 
the  hottest  of  all  the 
apartments,  may  be  called 
the  Clothes  Line,  because 
here  the  people  draw  the 
line  at  Clothes. 

The  Tenants  of  the 
different  stories,  originally 
of  one  color,  have  been 


baked  to  various  shades, 
according  to  their  proxim 
ity  to  the  Solar  Stove. 
This  color  distinction  is 
called  Race.  There  are 
five  Races,  the  White,  the 
Yellow,  the  Red,  the 
Brown  and  the  Black. 


THE   BLACK  RACE 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter   XIII 
CIVILIZATION 

All  the   Race  Family 

agree  that  the  people  of 
the  Globe  ought  to  be  of 
one  Color. 


THE  HUMAN  RACE 

Each  Race,  however, 
believes  that  his  own  partic 
ular  tint  is  the  only  fit  tint  for 
a  Civilized  Human  Bein£. 

The  Tint  Question  can 
only  be  settled  in  one  way. 


By  the  Survival  of  the 
Fittest. 

The  Fittest  Tint  will  be 
the  one  that  wipes  all  the 
other  Tints  off  the  Terres 
trial  Slate. 


QUESTIONS  FOR  THE  CHILD 


What  is   your   favorite    color  ? 

What  is  the  relation  of  the 
Darwinian  theory  to  the 
multiplication  table  ? 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter  XIV 
POWERS 

There  is  only  one  way 
to  wipe  all  the  other  Tints 
off  the  Globe. 

To  this  end  each  Family 
spends  most  of  its  money 
in  training  vast  numbers 
of  slaves  in  the  art  of 
destroying  Human  Life. 
These  slaves  are  called 
Soldiers. 

Each  Family  is  rated 
according  to  the  power  of 
its  Soldiers  to  destroy 
other  Families. 

Hence,  the  Civilized 
Powers. 


THE       P 

Map  of 
ACI  Fl  C 

OCEAN 

42 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter  XF 
THE  EARTH'S  POPULATION 

The  Population  of  the  Earth  consists  of: 
IT  999,000,000  (more  or  less)  Human  Beings. 
11      1,000,000  (more  or  less)  Chauffeurs. 


A  HUMAN  BEING 


A  CHAFFEUR 


If  Human  Beings  are  grouped  according  to  their 
Colours. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


43 


If  They  may  be  divided  into  two  great  Classes. 

1.  Those  tinted  by  Nature. 

2.  Those  who  Tint  Themselves. 

The  former  come  in  various  shades  of  Fast  Colours 
(see  chapter  on  Race). 

The  latter  are  of  a  changeable  Pink,  with  the  excep 
tion  of  Savages  who  prefer  more  elaborate  color 
schemes. 


A  RED  MAN 

(Fast  Colour} 


A  PINK  LADY 

(Not  Water  Proof) 


44  THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter 
GOVERNMENTS  OF  THE  EARTH 


The  best  definition  of  Government  may  be  found  in 
Wordsworth's  lines: 

"  The  simple  Plan 

That  they  should  take  who  have  the  power 
And  they  should  keep  who  can." 

In  every  community  on  Earth  —  the  strongest,  the 
craftiest  or  the  wealthiest  of  the  male  inhabitants  com 
bine  to  compel  their  weaker,  stupider  or  poorer  brothers 
and  sisters  to  pay  them  for  the  privilege  of  remaining  on 
earth. 

A  Government  by  the  Strongest  is  called  an  Abso 
lute  Monarchy. 

A  Government  by  the  Craftiest,  a  Limited  Mon 
archy. 

And  a  Government  by  the  Wealthiest,  a  Republic. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY  45 

In  an  Absolute  Monarchy,  the  People  are 
Controlled. 

In  a  Limited  Monarchy,  they  are  Cajoled. 
In  a  Republic,  they  are  Sold. 

For  the  successful  operation  of  Limited  Monarchies 
and  Republics  it  is  necessary  to  delude  the  Common 
People  into  the  belief  they  are  managing  their  own 
affairs. 

This  is  accomplished  by  means  of: 

a  House,  of  Commons, 

Chamber  of  Deputies, 

Senate, 

Reichstag, 

Douma,  etc. 

These  merry  contrivances  are  designed  on  the  principle 
of  the  revolving  squirrel  cage,  furnishing  harmless  exercise 
without  progression. 

(See  Moving  Picture  on  next  page) 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


QUESTIONS  FOR  THE   CHILD 

Q. :     What  is  a  Constitution? 

Ans. :  A  Concession  to 
Liberty  enabling  her  to 
talk  Herself  to  Death. 

Q. :  What  is  the  Essential 
Difference  between  one  Government 
and  Another? 

Ans.:    The  Price  of  Life. 


HOUSE  OF  COMMONS 

CHAMBER  OF  DEPUTIES 

SENATE 

REICHSTAG 

DOUMA,  etc.,  etc. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


47 


Chapter   XVII 

THE  RULERS  OF  THE 
EARTH 


No  one  has  so  lightly 
touched  upon  and  grace 
fully  rebounded  from  this 
Dangerous  Ground  as 
Lewis  Carroll  in  ''  The 
Walrus  and  the  Carpenter:" 

iicThe   time   has    come,  the  walrus 

said, 

"T  'o  talk  of  many  things 
"O/  ships  and  shoes  and  sealing 


Cabbages  and  Kings." 

This  would  be  a  most 
interesting  chapter  in  an 
otherwise  instructive  work 
if  we  had  the  space  and  the 


simplicity  to  do  the  subject 
strict  justice. 

Our  publisher,  however, 
does  not  wish  this  little 
book  suppressed  any  more 
than  is  necessary  for 
advertising  purposes. 

We  therefore  reluctantly 
change  the  subject. 


ROOSEVELT  AT   BATTLE   OF  SAN 
JUAN  HILL 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter  XVIII 
THE  MORALS  OF  THE   EARTH 

According  to  Moses,  the  First  Geographer,  immo 
rality  is  an  heirloom  handed  down  to  us  from  our  first 
parents. 


MORAL  MAP  OF  THE  WORLD 

(Showing  the  Degrees  of  Moral  Latitude) 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY  49 

Modern  scientists  declare  that  it  is  merely  a  neuropathic 
reaction  due  to  the  excitation  of  Climatic  Energy  and 
extrinsic  environment  on  the  celliferous  organism.  In 
other  words,  a  vice  is  nothing  more  than  a  virtue  outside 
of  its  natural  geographical  latitude. 

This  is  clearly  shown  in  the  accompanying  Moral  Map 
of  the  World. 

liyj  Absolute  purity. 
L    |     Highly  moral. 

Intolerance   —    parsimony   —    taciturnity   —    comstockery   — 
hypocrisy. 

Greed    —    extravagance    —    litigation    —    frenzied    finance    — 
dissapation  —  profligacy  —  anarchy  —  bigamy. 

Gayety  —  civility  —  mendacity  —  mendicancy  —  jealousy  — 
cruelty  —  vengefulness  —  polygamy. 

Indolence  —  love  of  colour  —  love  of  show  (sartorial  or  the 
reverse)  —  belligerency  —  cannibalism. 


50  THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


A  PILGRIM  LANDING 


Part    II 

THE  COUNTRIES  OF 
THE  EARTH 

In  describing  the  various 
Countries  of  the  Earth,  the 
better  to  avoid  partiality,  we 
shall  begin  at  the  top  and 
travel  downwards  in  as 
many  directions  at  once,  as 
possible,  without  regard  to 
continents. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter   XIX 
THE   NORTH   POLE 

The  North  Pole  is  the 
Geographical  Interroga 
tion  Point  of  the  Earth. 

It  is  probably  the  only 
absolutely  Moral  Spot  in 
the  world. 

Some  Scientists  declare 
it  to  be  the  site  of  the 
Garden  of  Eden,  thus  giv 
ing  colour  to  the  popular 
notion  that  Eden  was  the 
original  Roof  Garden. 

Whatever  use  may  ulti 
mately  be  found  for  the 
North  Pole,  up  to  the  pres 
ent  time  it  has  only  been 


used  for  Advertising  Pur 
poses. 

The  Frozen  Tracts  that 
surround  it  bear  the  name 
of  Adventurers,  Princes, 
and  Editors,  and  the  very 
topmost  Tip,  out  of  compli 
ment  to  a  well-known 
pianist,  has  been  called  the 
Magnetic  Pole. 

'  <&• ..  x 


A  MAGNETIC   POLE 


Tff    *$*    9 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


53 


So  far  as  we  know,  all 
the  advantages  of  the 
North  Pole  are  shared  by 
the  South  Pole,  but  for 

some  reason  the  South 
Pole  has  never  been  a  suc 
cess  as  an  advertising 
medium. 


OCEAN  SCENE 

(Showing  a  Steamer  Battling  with  the  Marcel  Waves) 


54 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter  XX 
AMERICA 

The   continent  of  America  was   first  noticed   by  one 
Bjorne  Herjulfsen  about  919  years  before  Roosevelt. 


ANCIENT  MAP   OF  AMERICAN   CONTINENT 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY  55 

As  the  above  map  (made  about  4OO  Years  Before 
Roosevelt)  shows,  the  American  Continent  had  not 

then  attained  anything  like  its  present  size. 

The  son  of  Herjulfsen  did  not  think  it  of  sufficient 
importance  to  take  its  Name  and  Address. 

If  you  wish  to  know  the  Best  Advertised  and  there 
fore  most  Popular  Discoverer  of  America  call  up 
One-Four-Nine-Two  Columbus. 

Columbus,  though  a  most  persistent  discoverer,  — 
having  discovered  America  four  times  —  Carelessly 
Neglected  to  write  a  magazine  article  or  even  a  book  on 
his  Impressions  of  America. 

This  was  done  some  seven  years  later  by  Amerigo 
Vespucci  who  made  up  for  lost  time  by  rushing  into 
print  and  Copyrighting  the  continent  in  his  Own  Name. 

There  were  many  other  discoverers  of  America  —  too 
many  to  mention  here  —  but  none  of  them  took  out  a 
Patent  for  his  Discovery. 

It  was  not  until  Eighteen  Hundred  and  Something 
that  North  and  South  America  were  patented  by  James 
Munroe. 


*.          .Jltt 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


THE  MAYFLOWER,  WITH  CARGO  OF  GENUINE  HEIRLOOMS 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter   XXI 
BOSTON 


MAP   OF   BOSTON   AND  VICINITY 

In  spite  of  laudable  attempts  America  was  never 
properly  discovered  until  the  year  1620  A.D.,  or 
(284  Years  Before  Roosevelt)  when  the  Mayflower 
landed  in  Massachusetts  with  a  cargo  of  old  furniture, 
spinning  wheels  and  ancestors. 

Thus  were  established  the  three  leading  industries  of 
Massachusetts.  The  Manufacture  of:  Antique  Fur 
niture,  Roulette  Wheels,  and  Pedigrees. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Boston  is  a  centre  of  Gravity  surrounded  by 
Newtons. 

Boston  is  also  the  centre  of  the  Universe  and  former 
official  residence  of  Mr.  Percival  Lowell,  the  sole  accred 
ited  representative  on  earth  of  the  Planet  Mars. 

Boston  is  famous  for  its  historic  associations  and 
treasures  which  well  repay  a  visit.  Even  the  quaint  and 
curious  Pullmans  that  convey  the  traveller  thither  are 
relics  of  a  bygone  day  and  a  joy  to  the  heart  of  the 
antiquarian. 


r 


A  TRAIN  ON  THE   NEW   HAVEN   ROAD 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


59 


Chapter  XXII 
CANADA 

Canada    is    one    of    the 
principal    Stockholders   in 
the  British  Crown.     With 
the    exception    of    Mexico, 
Canada  is  the  only  part  of 
North    America    not    ruled 
by  the  Irish. 
It  was  at  one  time  a  popu 
lar  health   resort   for   Hi^h 
Financiers  from  the  United 
States. 
The  principal  exports  of 
Canada  are  Seals,  Statistics, 
Poetry,  Fish,  Fur,  and  Sir 
Gilbert  Parker. 

THE 

Map  of 
RED 

SEA 

NOTE. — The  Inhabitants  are  the 
Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people 
in  the  World  and  their  Army  is 
second  to  none  in  Bravery. 


6o 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter  XXIII 
THE     UNITED     STATES 


NEW   PHOTO  OF  U.  S. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


61 


The   United   States   is  a 

large  body  of  laughter-lov 
ing  people  completely  sur 
rounded  by  Trusts. 

If  we  stand  the  Map  of 
the  United  States  upon  its 
eastern  edge  we  see  in  its 
outline  the  head  of  "Uncle 
Sam"  in  profile. 

Let  us  consider  the 
United  States  upon  this 
head.  Like  the  Plaster  of 
Paris  Cranium  of  Phre 
nology  it  is  divided  into  a 
number  of  moral  or  tem 
peramental  states,  differing 
in  character  according  to 
their  topographical  and  cli 
matic  conditions. 

They  are  as  follows: 


A  NEW  YORK  STREET  PAVEMENT 


62 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY  63 


UNCLE  SAM'S  PHRENOLOGICAL  CHART 

1  Thirst Maine 

2  Self-effacement Massachusetts 

3  Calculation Connecticut 

4  Providence Rhode  Island 

5  Love  of  the  Almighty  ($) New  York 

6  Justice New  "Jersey 

7  Somnolence .Pennsylvania 

8  Love  of  Peaches   Maryland  and  Delaware 

9  Pride  of  Race -. Virginia 

10  Cognizance  of  Time  between  Drinks.  .  .North  and  South  Carolina 

11  Piety  and  Love  of  Camp-meetings.  .  .  .Georgia 

12  Fruitfulness Florida 

13  Coonfulness Alabama 

14  Colour Mississippi 

15  Levity Louisiana 

1 6  Illicit  Spirituality Tennessee 

17  Love  of  Travel Arkansas 

18  Size Texas 

19  Bashfulness Ohio 

20  Scribosity Indiana 

21  Armorousness Illinois 

22  Horse  Sense   Kentucky 


64  THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 

PHRENOLOGICAL    CHART  (Continued) 

23  Aquasity Michigan 

\  Prairifulness Wisconsin  and  Minnesota 

25) 

26  Plainness Iowa 

27  Incredulity Missouri 

28  Animosity Kansas 

29  Nebraskability Nebraska 

30  Love  of  Freedom Dakota 

3 1  Modesty California 

32  Oregonality Oregon 

33  Furbearance Washington 

34  Argentility Nevada 

35  Pique Colorado 

36  Breadth Montana 

37  Presence  of  Mine L/a&o 

38  Gamefulness Wyoming 

39  Conjugality L7>a& 

40  Cowboyishness Arizona 

41  Sheepishness New  Mexico 

42  Reserve Indian  Territory 

43  Reciprocity Canada 


THE  MOST  FAMOUS  PRODUCTS  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES 
ARE   MARK  TWAIN  AND  SKYSCRAPERS 


66 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


The  United  States  con 
tains  Eighty  Million  people, 
700,000  chauffeurs,  and 
Ten  Painters. 

The  original  inhabitants 
were  Red.  They  were 
supplanted  by  Pink 
Pilgrims  and  their  descend 
ants. 

These  in  turn  —  but  who 
can  tell  what  the  ultimate 
color  scheme  will  be  ? 
Much  depends  upon  the 
treatment  of  Doctor  Mon 
roe  and  still  more  on  the 
American  Navy. 


In  the  large  cities  there 
are  unmistakable  signs  that 
the  inhabitants  will  soon  — 
unless  the  present  tendency 
is  corrected  —  revert  to  the 
condition  of  the  Arborial 
Anthropoids. 

A  race  of  Straphangers 
is  developing.  At  certain 
hours  of  the  day  they  may 
be  seen  seeking  their  habi 
tations  in  great  flocks, 
swinging  from  strap  to 
strap  with  loud  cries  and 
a  peculiar  whirling  mo 
tion. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


67 


The  most  famous  pro 
ducts  of  the  United  States 
are  Sky  Scrapers,  Mark 
Twain,  and  the  busy  half 
of  Niagara  Falls. 

In  its  beginning  the 
United  States  was  governed 
by  the  English.  It  is  still 
goverened  by  the  English 
fashions. 

The  largest  city  in 
America  is  New  York. 

New  York  is  also  the 
noisiest  city  in  the  world. 
It  contains  nearly  Four 


Million  people,  over  one- 
third  of  these  being  foreign 
ers,  speaking  20  Different 
Languages. 

There  are  One  Million 
Jews  of  various  nationali 
ties  in  New  York. 

NOTE.  —  New  York  has  the  most 
efficient  Fire  Department  in  the 
World. 

NOTE.— The  Inhabitants  are  the 
Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people 
in  the  World  and  their  Army  is 
second  to  none  in  Bravery. 


A   BUSY  DAY  IN  CHICAGO 


An  imitation  of  a  picture 

By  CECILIA    LOFTUS 


A   BUSY   DAY   IN    BOSTON 


A  n  imitation  of  a  picture 

BM  CECILIA    LOFTUS 


TI 


A   BUSY  DAY  IN   PHILADELPHIA 


A  n  imitation  of  a  picture 

By  CECILIA   LOFTUS 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


69 


Chapter  XXI V 
NORWAY  AND    SWEDEN 

For  a  long  time  believed 
to  be  inseparable,  these 
twin  countries  were  in  1905 
parted  by  the  most  remark 
able  surgical  operation  of 
modern  times  —  and  with 
out  the  loss  of  a  single  drop 
of  blood. 

The  Norwegians  are 
famous  for  their  Courage, 
which  is  pleasingly  alluded 
to  by  the  poet,  Edward 
Lear,  in  the  following 
lines: 


There  was  a  young  lady  of  Norway 
Who  casually  sat  in  a  doorway, 
When    the   door   squeezed   her  flat, 

she  exclaimed  "what  of  that!" 
This    courageous    young    lady    of 

Norway. 

The  same  poet  sings 
cheerfully  of  the  remark 
able  patriotism  of  the 
Swede: 


A   BUSY  DAY  IN   LONDON 


A  n  initiation  of  a  picture 

By  CECILIA    LOFTUS 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


There  was  a  young  lady  of  Sweden 

Who  went  by  the  slow  train  to 
Weedon^ 

When  they  cried  "  Weedon  Sta 
tion!"  she  made  no  observa 
tion 

But  thought  she  should  go  back  to 
Sweden. 

NOTE.  —  The  Inhabitants  are  the 
Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in 
the  world  and  their  Army  is  second 
to  none  in  Bravery. 


Chapter  XXF 
GREAT    BRITAIN 


"The  apparel  oft  proclaims  the  man" 
—  HAMLET 

If  you  look  carefully  in 
the  middle  of  the  left-hand 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


side  of  the  map  of  Europe, 
you  will  find  a  small  Pink  ; 
Island   about    the    size    of 
Idaho.     This    is    England. 
It  is  governed  by  a  king 
and  a  council  of  Peers  and  I 
Prelates  called   the   House 
of  Lords. 


London 

London  is  the  capital  of 
England,  the  head  office  of 
the  largest  real  estate  busi 
ness  on  earth,  embracing 
one  fifth  of  the  surface  of 
the  globe. 

London  is  also  the  centre 
of  Respectability.  So 
much  so  that  for  any 


This  is  the  famous 
Rock  of  Gibraltar.  It  be 
longs  to  Great  Britain, 
and  upon  its  face  may  be 
seen  the  watchword  of 
British  Respectability. 
(Honi  soit  qui  mal  y 
pense)  done  into  Eng 
lish. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


73 


degree  of  latitude  the 
Londoners  must  go  to 
Paris,  Vienna,  New  York 
and  other  foreign  cities.  In 
return  these  cities  take  their 
degrees  of  longitude  from 
London  (o  r  Green 
wich). 

Perhaps  this  is  why  the 
English  are  the  most  ubiq 
uitous  people  in  the 
world.  It  is  their  boast 
that  the  Sun  Never  Sets  on 
the  British  Empire. 

NOTE.  —  It  has  been  hinted  that 
this  is  because  Providence  fears  to 
trust  an  Englishman  in  the  dark. 

The  principal  products 
of  England  are  Beef,  Beer, 
and  Bibles; 


"The  apparel  oft  proclaims  the  man" 
—  HAMLET 

and  of  Scotland,  Porridge, 
Parsons,  Pibrochs,  and 
Parsimony. 

NOTE.— The  Inhabitants  are  the 
Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people 
in  the  world  and  their  Army  is 
second  to  none  in  Bravery. 


JLSJL&JLSLJLJLJL9 


74 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Wai 


e  s 


Wales  is  the  Habitat  of  the  Welsh   Rabbit;   immor 
talized  by  Miss  Carolyn  Wells  in  the  following  poem. 

The  Welsh   Rabbit 


See  the  Welsh  Rabbit  —  he  is  bred  on  cheese; 
(Or  cheese  on  bread,  whichever  way  you  please.) 
Although  he's  tough,  he  looks  so  mild,  who'd  think 
That  a  strong  man  from  this  small  beast  would  shrink? 
But  close  behind  him  follows  the  nightmare, 
Beware  of  them,  they  are  a  frightful  pair. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


75 


Chapter  XXVI 
IRE  LAND 


"The  apparel  oft  proclaims  the  man"  —  HAMLET 

Ireland  is  the  home  of  the  Irish  Bull,  a  paradoxical 
Bovine  whose  cross-eyed  horns  can  toss  a  British  Com 
monplace  in  two  directions  at  once. 

A  poetess  of  our  own  time,  Miss  Carolyn  Wells,  has 
cleverly  taken  the  Irish  bull  by  the  horns  in  the  following 
lines: 


76  THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 

THE  IRISH  BULL 

Among  the  stock  jokes  it  is  oft  averred 
The  Irish  Bull  is  best  of  all  the  heard 

He  has  no  points,  he  has  no  head  or  tail 
But  many  a  jovial  party  he  regales 

And  all  his  hearers  will  with  laughter  choke 

Except  his  Brother  yohn  who  sees  no  yoke. 

Ireland  is  also  famous  for  snakes  of  which  it  has  none. 
Its  principal  inhabitants  are  absentee  landlords.     For 

population  —  see  United  States. 

The  principal  products  of  Ireland  are  Potatoes,  Pugi 
lists,  Patriots  and  Bernard  Shaw. 

NOTE.  —  The  Inhabitants  are  the  Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people 
in  the  world  and  their  Army  is  second  to  none  in  Bravery. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


77 


Chapter  XXVII 
RUSSIA 

Russia  comprises  a  sixth  of  the  landscape  of  the  globe. 
It  is  the  Property  of  Nicholas  II,  Emperor  of  all  the 
Russias. 

Nicholas  II  is  also  called  "Batuschka"  which  means 
"the  Little  Father"  or  "the  young-man-afraid-of-his- 

pet  name  Nicholas  II  is  perhaps  the  most  thoroughly 


-popular  man  in  all  Russia.  Nothing  derogatory  to  his 
character  is  ever  seen  in  the  Russian  papers,  and  foreign 
publications  are  carefully  edited  by  the  police. 


A  BUSY  DAY  IN  ST,    PETERSBURG 


A  n  imitation  of  a  picture 

By  CECILIA    LOFTUS 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


79 


THE   STEPPES  OF   RUSSIA 


LITTLE   FATHER 


The   following  tribute   is   from  a   poem   by  Thomas 
Bailey  Aldrich: 

Father  they  called  him  from  of  old  — 

Batuschka!  .   .   .  How  his  heart  is  cold! 
Wait  till  a  million  scourged  men 
Rise  in  their  awful  might  and  then  — 
God  save  the  'Tsar!" 


To  Russia  belongs  the  credit  of  the  Invention  of  Cold 
Storage. 


80 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Her  wise  rulers,  recognizing  the  danger  of  over-heated 
Brains,  have  established  in  Siberia  a  cold  storage  plant 
for  the  preservation  of  the  Thinking  Portion  of  her 

Population. 


A   BUG   BEAR 

The  Russian  Bear  was  at  one  time  the  Terror  of 
Europe  -  -  but  this  piece  of  Nature  Faking  was  ex 
ploded  in  1904  after  a  series  of  exhaustive  tests  by 
Japanese  Experts  when  it  was  proved  to  be  only  a 
Bug  Bear. 

The  principal  products  of  Russia  are  Caviar,  Conspiracy 
and  Count  Tolstoy. 

NOTE.  —  The  Inhabitants  are  the  Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people 
in  the  world  and  their  Army  is  second  to  none  in  Bravery. 

QUESTIONS  FOR  THE   CHILD 

1   Why  is  Nicholas  II  ? 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


81 


Chapter  XXFIII 
CHINA 

China  is  the  most  popu 
lar  country  in  the  world. 
There  are  (or  should  be)  in 
China  4OO,OOO,OOO  Chi 
nese. 

China  is  surrounded  by 
a  highly  inefficient  wall. 

NOTE.  —  The  Chinese  wall  is  not 
what  it  is  cracked  up  to  be. 

The   Open   Door 

Every  one  agrees  that 
China  should  have  a  door. 

The  rest  of  the  nations 
want  the  Chinese  door 
made  only  to  open  in 
wards. 

The    Chinese,    however, 


prefer  their  door  to  open 
outwards. 

So  the  question  of  the 
open  door  is  still  unsettled. 

At  a  recent  meeting  of 
the  Powers,  Peter  Simple 
suggested  a  Revolving 
Door  as  a  compromise. 

An  imperial  commission 
was  at  once  appointed  by 
the  Dowager  Empress  to 
report  on  the  revolving 
door. 

The  report  is  anxiously 
awaited. 

NOTE.  —  The  Inhabitants  are  the 
Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in 
the  world  and  their  Army  is  second 
to  none  in  Bravery. 

QUESTIONS  FOR  THE  CHILD 


When  is  a  wall  not  a  wall  ? 


82 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter  XXIX 
FRANCE 


"  The  apparel  oft  proclaims  the  man  "  —  HAMLET 

France*  is  the  greatest  millinery  power  on  Earth. 
The  capital  of  France  is 

Paris 

Paris,  though  inhabited  chiefly  by  Americans,  is  famous 
for  its  gayety. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY  83 

Its  principal  products  are  Plaster  of  Paris,  Paris  Green 
and  Paresis. 

Paris  is  divided  into  two  parts: 

I.     Paris   Proper 

Paris  Proper  is  famous  for  the  Magazine  de   Louvre, 
which  is  visited  by  millions  of  Americans  daily. 

NOTE.  —  There  is  also  another   building   called  the  Louvre  containing  pic 
tures  and  statues. 

II.     Paris   Improper 


See  higher  grade  geography  for  older  children. 

NOTE.  —  The  Inhabitants  are  the  Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people 
in  the  world  and  their  Army  is  second  to  none  in  Bravery. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter  XXX 
GERMANY 


"  The  apparel  oft  proclaims  the  man  " 
—  HAMLET 

Germany  is  the  land  of 
Soldiers,  Sourkraut,  Sau 
sages,  and  Sentimentality. 

Next  to  the  ants  the  Ger 
mans  are  the  most  pains 
taking  people  on  earth. 


The  ruler  of  Geimany, 
William  II,  sometimes 
called  William  the  unsilent, 
is  a  most  popular  mon 
arch. 

Like  Nicholas  II  his 
press  notices  in  the  Ger 
man  papers  are  invariably 
of  the  most  favorable 
character. 

NOTE.— The  Inhabitants  are  the 
Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people 
in  the  world  and  their  Army  is 
second  to  none  in  Bravery. 

QUESTIONS  FOB  THE  CHILD 


Who  is  the  greatest 

^[  Soldier,  Talker,  Painter,  Sculptor, 
Poet,  Orchestra  leader,  Yachts 
man,  and  everything  else  in  Ger 
many  ? 

^|  At  how  many  battles  has  William 
II  been  present  ? 

^[  How  does  it  happen  that  they  were 
all  sham  battles  ? 

1  Why  is  William  II  called  the  war 
lord  ? 


999 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter  XXXI 
HOLLAND 


A  kingdom  on  the  North 
Sea,  about  one  third  the 
size  of  Kentucky.  The 
principal  products  are 
Horse  and  Herrings. 

The  capital  of  Holland 
is  the  Hague.  According  to 
Edward  Lear  the  inhabi 
tants  of  the  Hague  are  a 
vague  and  self-delusive 
people. 

He  writes  as  follows: 

There    was    an    old    man    of    the 

Hague, 
Whose      ideas      were      exclusively 

vague; 


He  built  a  balloon  to  examine  the 

moon  — 
That    deluded     old     man     of    the 

Hague. 


A   DELUDED   OLD   MAN   OF  THE 
HAGUE 


86 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Some  think  this  is  a 
veiled  prophetic  allusion  to 
Carnegie  and  his  Peace 
Palace  at  the  Hague. 

The  Peace  Conference 

A  meeting  of  the  repre 
sentatives  of  Autocrats  and 
Plutocrats  to  discuss  the 
economics  of  war. 

Firstly — to  make  rules 
by  which  war  may  be  con 
ducted  with  the  least  pos 
sible  damage  to  the  private 
property  and  vested  in 
terests  of  the  plutocrats. 

Secondly  —  to  reduce 
the  cost  of  war  by  the  use 
of  bullets  which,  while 
putting  a  soldier  out  of 


action  for  the  time  being, 
will  not  injure  him  beyond 
the  possibility  of  repair  for 
use  in  another  war. 

NOTE.  —  This  so-called  "Peace 
Conference"  is  said  to  have  been  in 
vented  by  Nicholas  II.  If  this  be 
true  then  Mr.  W.  S.  Gilbert  and  Mr. 
Mark  Twain  had  better  look  to  their 
laurels. 

NOTE. — The  Inhabitants  are  the 
Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people 
in  the  world  and  their  Army  is 
second  to  none  in  Bravery. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter  XXXII 
SWITZERLAND 

Switzerland  is  famous 
for  its  condensed  milk 
and  cuckoo  clocks. 

The  Swiss  are  an  Art 
less  people. 

Whistler  in  his  famous 
"Ten  o'clock"  bears  testi 
mony  to  this: 

"What  more  worthy  people! 
Whose  every  Alpine  gap  yawns 
with  tradition,  and  is  stocked 
with  noble  story;  yet,  the  perverse 
and  scornful  one  (Art)  will  none 
of  it,  and  the  sons  of  patriots  are 
left  with  the  clock  that  turns  the 
mill,  and  the  sudden  cuckoo, 


with    difficulty    restrained    in    its 
box." 

"For  this  was   Tell  a   hero! 
For  this  did  Gessler  die!" 

NOTE.  —  Nevertheless,  the  In 
habitants  are  the  Most  Moral  and 
Patriotic  people  in  the  world  and 
their  Army  is  second  to  none  in 
Bravery. 


88 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter  XXXIII 


SOUTH    AMERICA 


Up  to  the  present  cen 
tury  South  America  has 
been  an  intregral  part  of 
the  American  continent. 

It  will  shortly  be  an 
island  by  the  order  of 
Theodore  Roosevelt. 

See  the  colored  tv\o-page 
map  of  the  \Vorld  Apart 
ments. 

NOTE. — The  Inhabitants  are  the 
Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people 
in  the  world  and  their  Army  is 
second  to  none  in  Bravery. 


Chapter  XXXIV 
MONACO 

Monaco  is  the  centre  of 
the  spinning  industry  of 

the  world. 

Over  a  million  and  a 
quarter  people  go  to  Monte 
Carlo  every  year  to  spin. 

NOTE. — The  Inhabitants  are  the 
Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people 
in  the  world  and  their  Army  (126 
men)  is  second  to  none  in  Bravery. 


9999999999 

THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY  89 


Chapter  XXXV 
TURKEY 


This  is  how  it  looks  to  England,  France,  Germany 
and  Russia. 

The  Turkish  women  wear  trousers,  enjoying  all  the 
comforts  without  incurring  any  of  the  responsibilities  of 
the  bifurcated  garment. 

The  Turks  are  a  fearless  people.  They  have  many 
wives. 

NOTE.  —  The  Inhabitants  are  the  Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people 
in  the  World  and  their  Army  is  second  to  none  in  Bravery. 


90  THE     SIMPLE     JOG  RA  PHY 


A  CHIMPANZEE   IN  AN  ANCESTRAL  TREE 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


91 


Children,  behold  the  Chimpanzee! 
He  sits  on   the  Ancestral  Tree 
From    which   we   sprang   in    ages 

gone. 
I'm    glad    we    sprang  —  had    we 

held  on 

We  might,  for  aught  that  I  can  say, 
Be  horrid  Chimpanzees  to-day. 


Chapter  XXXFI 
AFRICA 


"The  apparel  oft  proclaims  the  man'* 
—  HAMLET 

Africa  is  the  richest  jack 
pot  in  the  great  game  of 
Territorial  "Freeze  out" 

played    by    the    European 
Powers. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


The  stakes  represent 
Diamonds,  Gold,  Ivory, 
Rubber  and  Slaves,  though 
the  latter  are  nominally  out 
side  the  limit. 

The  game  began  a  long 
time  ago  and  now,  in  the 
early  morning  of  the  2Oth 
century,  is  still  in  progress. 


A  SCENE  IN  AFRICA 

Perhaps  the  most  re 
markable  of  the  inhabitants 
of  Africa  are  the  chimpan 


zees,  a  race  of  non-prosely 
tizing  vegetarians. 

In  common  with 
people  of  that  belief,  the 
chimpanzees  are  gentle  and 
peace-loving  —  and 
though  unkempt  and  start 
ling  in  appearance  they 
are  patriotic  to  a  high 
degree,  very  few  surviving 
transportation  from  their 
native  country. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


93 


Chapter  XXX7II 
THE     BEDOUINS 


A  BEDOUIN 


A  FOLDING   BEDOUIN 


The  Bedouin  makes  his  bed  in  the  sand,  or  Bed-rock, 
avoiding  river  beds  or  water  in  any  form. 

He  must  not  be  confounded  with  the  Folding  Bedouin 
of  a  North  American  tribe  described  by  Professor  Alex 
ander  Brown  in  his  great  work,  "In  darkest  Boston." 

The  Folding  Bedouins  and  the  Hall-Roomanians  are 
semi-nomadic  tribes  believed  by  some  to  be  descended 
from  the  original  race  of  the  Red  Incas  of  Bohemia. 


94 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter  XXXHII 
AUSTRALIA 

Australia,  the  second 
Largest  Block  of  the  Brit 
ish  real  estate  syndicate,  is 
about  the  size  of  the  United 
States,  exclusive  of  Alaska. 

Any  one  desiring  a 
change  from  the  weari 
some  rotations  of  our 
seasons  should  go  to  Au 
stralia,  where  Spring  com 
mences  on  September  23, 
Summer  —  December  22, 
Autumn  — -March  2  I  , 
Winter — June  21. 

The  Fauna  of  Australia, 
as  if  determined  not  to  be 


outdone  in  eccentricity  by 
the  seasons,  is  represented 
by  the  Ornithorynchus 
Paradoxus — or  Duck-billed 
Platypus  —  which  has  been 
described  in  the  following 
lines: 


THE   ORNITHORYNCHUS   PARADOXUS 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


95 


The   Platypus 

My  child,  the  Duck-billed  Platypus 
A  sad  example  sets  for  us. 
From  him  we  learn  how  Indecision 
Of  character  provokes  Derision. 
'This  vacillating  thing,  you  see, 
Could  not  decide  which  he  would 

be  — 
Fish,  Flesh  or  Fowl,  —  and  chose 

all  three. 

The  scientists  were  sorely  vexed, 
To  classify  him  so  perplexe'd 
Their  brains  that  they  with  rage 

at  bay 

Called  him  a  horrid  name  one  day, 
A    name   that   baffles,   frights   and 

shocks  us, 
Ornithorynchus  Paradoxus. 

NOTE. — The  Inhabitants  are  the 
Most  Moral  and  Patriotic  people 
in  the  world  and  their  Army  is 
second  to  none  in  Bravery. 


QUESTIONS  FOR  THE  CHILD 


What  is  your  opinion  of  the 
Australian  start  ing  ma 
chine  ? 

How  does  it  compare  with 
the  Governor  Hughes  finish 
ing  machine  ? 

Explain  the  working  of  the 
Australian  ballot  system. 

How  may  it  be  "  worked  " 
with  the  greatest  success  ? 

What  is  the  December  issue 
of  an  Australian  magazine 
—  the  Christmas  or  the 
Midsummer  holiday  num 
ber? 

From  what  famous  singer  does 
the  city  of  Melbourne  take 
its  name  ? 


96 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Chapter  XXXIX 

MODERN  GEOGRAPHI 
CAL  DISCOVERERS 

Far  be  it  from  us  to  speak 
lightly  of  the  work  of 
Christopher  Columbus  — 
and  yet  when  we  consider 
the  size  of  America  and 
the  consequent  impossibility 
of  his  sailing  in  any  direc 
tion  except  home  without 
discovering  it,  we  can  only 
compare  the  achievement 
to  the  rinding  of  a  Hay 
stack  in  a  Package  of 
Needles. 

It  is  refreshing  to  turn 
from  Columbus'  Dis 
covery,  the  wisdom  of 


which  is  to-day  a  matter 
of  question,  to  the  much 
more  wonderful  Geographi 
cal  Discoveries  of  our 

own  time. 

Among  the  most  impor 
tant  are  the  following: 

Land  of  the  Jumblies 

Discovered  in  i8-hun- 
dred  and  fifty  something 
by  Edward  Lear  who 

described  the  country  in 
the  never  to  be  forgotten 
lines: 

"Far  and  Few,  Far  and  Few 
Are  the  lands  where  the  'Jumbhes 

live. 
Their  heads  are  green  and  their 

hands  are  blue, 
And  they  went  to  sea  in  a  sieve." 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


97 


THE  JUMBLIES 

Edward  Lear  also  dis 
covered  the  land  where 
the  Bong  Tree  grows. 

"They    sailed    away    for    a    year 

and  a  day 

'To    the    land    where    the    Bong 
Tree  grows." 

Wonderland 

Discovered  by  Lewis 
Carroll  in  187-. 

In  the  year  following 
Mr.  Carroll  made  his  fa 
mous  trip  through  the  Look 


Glass  and    discovered 
that  most   important  addi 
tion  to  our  modern  Fauna 
the     Jabberwock     who 

"with  eyes  of  flame 
Came  whifflin g   through    the 

Tulgeywood 
And  burbled  as  it  came." 


A  JABBERWOCK 


98 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


Topsyturvydom 

This  Wonderful  Country 

"  Where  vice  is  virtue,  virtue  vice, 
Where  nice  is  nasty,  nasty  nice, 
Where  right  is  wrong  and  wrong 

is  right, 
Where  white    is    black    and   black 

is  white" 

was   discovered   by  W.    S. 
Gilbert  in  the  year  1867. 


EARLY  PORTRAIT  OF  W.  S. 
GILBERT,  THE  DIS 
COVERER  OF  TOPSY 
TURVY  LAND,  AND 
SUSPECTED  FOUNDER  OF 
THE  HAGUE  PEACE 
CONFERENCE. 

The  discovery  of  Topsy 


turvydom  marks  an  Era 
in  modern  Geographical 
Science  —  as  there  was 
only  one  Moses  so  there  is 
only  one  Gilbert,  and  never 
since  the  Exodus  of  the 
Israelites  has  there  been 
anything  to  compare  with 
the  rush  of  literary  emi 
grants  to  stake  claims  upon 
the  land  of  Topsyturvydom. 

Stageland 

Discovered  by  Jerome 
K.Jerome  about  1890. 

NOTE. — The  student  is 
cautioned  against  con 
founding  the  discoverer  of 
Stageland  with  Another 
Traveler  of  that  name 
made  famous  by  his  ex 
cursions  into  the  Land  of 
Nod. 


THE     SIMPLE     JOGRAPHY 


99 


Robert    Louis    Stevenson 

One  of  the  very  greatest 
of  modern  discoverers, 
struck  out  (1880)  into  an 
entirely  new  country,  and 
in  Prince  Otto  opened  up 
a  mine  rich  in  high-grade 
Romantic  Ore.  The  suc 
cess  of  the  Prince  Otto 
mine  resulted  in  the  devas 
tation  of  the  new  territory 
by  a  horde  of  Romantic 
Prospectors  and  Literary 
Land  Grabbers  who 
opened  new  mines  on  all 
sides. 

The  vein  is  now  ex 
hausted  and  the  country 
so  played  out  as  to  be 


avoided  even  by  Cook's 
tourists. 

Among  other  modern 
geographical  discoveries 
may  be  mentioned  Never 
Neverland,  discovered  by 
J.  M.  Barry,  and  Toyland, 
by  Hy.  Meyer. 

These  two  countries  are 
inhabited  chiefly  by  little 
people. 

NOTE.  —  The  Terrestrial  globe  is 
surrounded  by  imaginary  lines,  but  the 
globe  of  imagination  has  no  bound 
aries  and  the  records  of  discovery  in 
Imaginary  Geography  fill  many  vol 
umes.  For  a  complete  set  see 
Andrew  Carnegie. 


THE     END 

//  this   little   world   to-night 

Suddenly   should  fall   thro9   space 
In    a    hissing,    headlong  flight 

Shrivelling  from   off  its  face, 
As    it  falls    into    the   sun, 

In    an    instant   every   trace 
Of  the   little   crawling   things  — 

Ants,   philosophers,    and   lice, 
Cattle,   cockroaches,    and   kings, 

Beggars,  millionaires,    and   mice, 
Men    and   maggots   all   as   one 

As    it  falls   into    the   sun  — 
Who    can   say    but   at   the   same 

Instant  from   some   planet  far 
A    child   may   watch    us   and   exclaim, 
See   the   pretty   shooting   star!" 


AN  INITIAL  PINE  OF  25  CENTS 


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